Living with Loss

Bereaved parents often ask: Why . Why did my child die? What did I do to cause this to happen?   I experienced this phenomena rather early on in my grief journey as I asked myself w hy  one hundred million times - why - why - why. Maybe that was because of the nature of Wyatt's accident and death, maybe it's just because my child died and that is an out of order life event. The questions circle through my mind like a cyclone, what did I do in this life to deserve such a thing?  What did I do in this life that was so horrific it caused my son to die? What did I do? Why me, why Wyatt, why us, why our family, why, why , why? Eventually, I learned that I didn't really do anything. It's not my fault, as much as I want to take the blame, it's not mine to own. I still battle this blaming beast of why , but reason eventually comes to mind, even if after a long bout of crying and screaming. Some folks want the answer to why and will search for years see...

So, of all these therapist I've seen in the past two years, the words of one keep resonating in my mind. "You need pasture."  Mind you, this is the same therapist whose practice specializes in "dysfunctional" families. I sat in my car reading his business card, not having scrutinized it before, and was quite offended by the inference that I was somehow dysfunctional. We were not a dysfunctional family...having been married over 22 years, our 20 year old son still lived at home with us, he respected us, enjoyed our company, ate dinner at the table every night, said "I love you."  We were not dysfunctional!  Then it hit me...that is not who I am anymore. That was then and then is no longer now. I'm as dysfunctional as it gets, my only child was burned, we watched him fight for life until he could fight no more, we prayed for healing and we watched him die, we sang to him as he lay dead in the hospital bed, we sat in a house of worship and remembered ...