Living with Loss

I was going through some things today, cleaning and organizing. At first, it was fine; after a while, it broke me. Being a bereaved parent it's difficult to do most any task that involves pieces of the past and not have it conjure an emotional response. Frankly, my emotions can spark with the most mundane and benign thing; it does not have to relate to Wyatt to strike the proverbial chord, but today it was. Nothing dramatic, not photos, videos or audios, I was going through some Christmas cards we received from the year after Wyatt's death. I got through about one third of them when it hit me and thrust me to the floor in heaves of nausea and screaming through the tears. I began to wail and sob and ache at the absence of my child. It can't be, it simply can't be. But, it is. After a while, the wave of sorrow and sickness subsided so I could continue with my task, I laid down amid the various papers and books and began to look through them. I found...

I've been thinking about how the death of your child or grandchild can affect your life. I think this loss changes us irrevocably. There is a pain so deep, so foreign to heart and mind, so intense that when experienced we are no longer the person we were just moments before. I am no longer Mom .  My mother is no longer Memaw.  My mother-in-law is no longer Grandmother .  People may say that no one can take that from you; but someone did. My son will never call out to me again and yell..." Hey, Mom ..." I will never bake him a cake or purchase him a little gift I think he'd enjoy, he will never again wrap his arms around me and lift me into the air just because he could and to hear me laugh, he will never again say thank you or I love you. My mother will never hear him say, " Hi Memaw , for of nine grandchildren, that was his name for her, only Wyatt called her Memaw . My mother-in-law had one grandchild, just one, our Wyatt. She will never again hear him on the ...

Have I mentioned how painful this is, how horrible grieving is? I've had the most challenging day, just to be  has been awful.  I want not to be, not to feel, not to think, not to remember, not to anything, just not ...nothingness would be so welcomed in place of this pain.  I miss my son so much that really I'd rather just not be .  You may think that is such a wretched thought, but I'm not talking suicide.  I heard a lady in a support group say she just wished she wasn't here. "Don't get me wrong," she said, "I'm not suicidal, I just don't want to be here without my son."  Ditto. This life is so empty.  For me, all I ever wanted was to be "mom."  I wanted to be the caretaker, the healer, the cook, the maid, the chef, the teacher, the mentor, the guide, the chauffeur, the person who cared the most...and I tried.  Now that life is gone. This life is empty; pain remains. I'd rather not.

We took a drive to places you knew, familiar places dripping with thoughts of you.  Here, I feel your presence around me and know your love is there.