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To Be or Not to Be...

Have I mentioned how painful this is, how horrible grieving is? I've had the most challenging day, just to be has been awful.  I want not to be, not to feel, not to think, not to remember, not to anything, just not...nothingness would be so welcomed in place of this pain.  I miss my son so much that really I'd rather just not be. 

You may think that is such a wretched thought, but I'm not talking suicide.  I heard a lady in a support group say she just wished she wasn't here. "Don't get me wrong," she said, "I'm not suicidal, I just don't want to be here without my son."  Ditto.

This life is so empty.  For me, all I ever wanted was to be "mom."  I wanted to be the caretaker, the healer, the cook, the maid, the chef, the teacher, the mentor, the guide, the chauffeur, the person who cared the most...and I tried.  Now that life is gone. This life is empty; pain remains. I'd rather not.

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