Living with Loss

Remember the scene in Forrest Gump where he is running down the road, for no particular reason. He runs and runs until he decides to stop, for no particular reason, just because he was done running. As I was walking one evening I looked forward at the double yellow line that ran down the center of the road and blurred off into the horizon.  I felt this desire to follow that seemingly endless yellow line, for no particular reason. That long empty road simply called me with a sweet siren song of some ubiquitous tranquility that only rests in the over yonder. Oh, how I wish it were so, that the over yonder offered some reprieve from this sorrow. But, we all know that peace does not lie over yonder; true peace can only come from within. We can run from our troubles, we can turn our back to reality and cover our sorrows in whatever potion we choose, but ultimately when we deny our grief and anger we've created our our en...

I'm not who I was before he died. I'll never be who I was before he died. Before, I lived for him, I worked for him, I cooked for him, I shopped for him, I cleaned for him, I espoused and upheld the virtues of life for him, I mentored him, I guided him, I taught him right from wrong....I did it all for him. Simple to complex, my life's center was my family, my son. We sacrificed personal things for his benefit, we focused our lives on his life, his future, his education, his happiness. We were the circle of life and love that families hope to be. Sure, little bouts of angst here and there, but mostly, we were three. There is an equality given to an only child that may be viewed as dangerous by parenting experts. The truth is though, I've never known an only child that didn't have an exceedingly unique and strong relationship with their parents. It's as if parent and child are able to become  friends yet uphold respect of the parental role and it's such a b...

I miss being a mom. I miss hearing a child say to me, "I love you." I miss having that purpose in my life. I miss all the good and all the bad that comes with being "mom." Being mom is the most difficult and challenging job in the world, and I long for it with all of my soul. When I see little children with the glint of light in their eyes, I ache with pain. Their laughter affirms how my life has been robbed of that joy. I see them grab the hand of their mom or dad and I yearn to hold my son's hand and hug his neck, to feel the warmth of him living. I miss being a mom.