Memories and Life

For months I tried to busy myself with different things...watercolor, pottery, writing, poetry, gardening, stained glass, counseling sessions, support groups, blogging. Suffice it to say, I spent a good chunk of change to keep myself in the world of the living. I'll consider it an investment in life, my life. Not that I wanted to make that investment, but it kept me alive over the last year.

Now, it seems I'm suspended in the loop of time. There is no driving force to compel me to go do anything...instead, I'd rather rest. I want to stop, look around and take it all in. Unfortunately for me, that rest is complicated by the memories it allows to surface. It's one of the reasons why I did so much...some of my memories are haunting, dangerous, treacherous waters. Memories are the door to a host of complicated emotions, they give knowledge about why I am where I am. Memories are one of those things to which I've developed a love-hate relationship. However, good or bad, painful or joyful, memories of Wyatt are all I have, they bring me peace or send me to the depths of despair.

At times, it's all I can muster to shut the floodgates and protect myself from the onslaught of pain. Something as simple as a newscaster describing a patient after a tragedy, the person awaiting an organ transplant, the sound of an ambulance, the H sign for hospital or the obituary of a child. These things crack open the door allowing the pain to seep in. It doesn't have to be anything about me, Jim or Wyatt. Is has to do with life, with love, with humanity. Compassion is the sharing of our pains, allowing others to grieve with you, allowing yourself to grieve with them.

Besides my faith in God, it has been the kindness and support of friends and strangers that has held me. I've been graced with beautiful people in my life. A multitude of people from all walks of life, from all over the globe have shared our pain and acknowledged our loss. That means something. For me, it translates to life.

Comments

God Moment

I was thinking of when I created this blog and named it.... Living with Loss, I knew I would have to live with this loss, but at that time I wasn't living, I was surviving. It was a goal of sorts… but also a mission to keep breathing. It is only now, over six years since the death of my son that I have begun to know how to live again. The sharpness of those first months and years have softened and the pangs of grief strike less frequently, though when they do they rage with vengeance. What a journey of emotion these past six and half years have been from overwhelming and consuming grief, disbelief and shock, depression and fear, finally acceptance and the incorporation of the loss into our lives. I remember in the first months after Wyatt's death, I would walk through the house and tell myself he had gone on a very long trip to a place far, far away. He was unable to contact me and I unable to contact him. I later learned counselors think this is a poor method for ...

Seeing God Where I am

O God, who created all peoples in your image, we thank you for the wonderful diversity of races and cultures in this world. Enrich our lives by ever-widening circles of fellowship, and show us your presence in those who differ most from us, until our knowledge of your love is made perfect in our love for all your children; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Carolyn A. Rose I've had the distinct privilege in life to have traveled to various places, some vastly different from my home, and some quite similar. Regardless of the magnitude of differences, I can always feel the uniqueness of the place. After a while, certainly I long for the familiar comfort of home... but I always return with a fuller heart and a more open mind. Then it's like a siren song calling me back to seek more, ask more, learn more and inwardly digest it to build me into a more understanding and compassionate being. In a class I am taking, we were posed this question: How have ...

I AM

A little step away from my personal grief journey and a turn toward the current times. As of today, over 100,000 humans around the world have died due to the worldwide pandemic of Coronavirus or COVID-19. People are isolated. Borders around the globe have closed. Schools are closed. Airlines are grounded. Massive amounts of food sits rotting unable to be distributed. People are hoarding and supply chains are stressed. Businesses have closed. Governments scramble. Hospitals are maxed. Care centers are incubators of death. Medical personnel are at higher risk than ever yet we demand more and more from them. The bodies of the dead are left to rot on the streets, held in morgues, or turned into mass graves. Funerals and memorials are in abeyance. There is neither time nor place for grieving. Isolation is wicked. Tensions can be high and panic pervasive. Blame begins. Anger festers to hatred. The fragile nature of our ex...

Living with Loss

Search This Blog