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Predictable

Why is it the pattern is so predictable? Everything is going along and it hits me...he's not here.  He's gone.

How can that be?  How can my son not be here?

I had one of those days where I felt like the world was crashing in on me....like I couldn't stop the madness of life from taking control of my mind, of my heart, of my world. Damn, I hate this. If you think about it, if you think about the reality of his death and what it means, it will drive you to madness....so I push it back, I keep it away, in a dark place that is hidden and difficult to find.  Oh, sure it's on purpose, if this reality hit the surface of my mind I could not cope.  We all have coping mechanisms, mine are the dark and hidden crevices of the mind.

Today, I could feel it coming on. First the fear, then the overwhelming anxiety, like I couldn't stop the madness of reality. I soon realized that my perspective on life had changed - drastically changed. What used to bring me satisfaction now causes me stress. Stress that I can physically feel, stress than boils to the surface and quickly bubbles over and changes me into a useless, helpless, hopeless blob.

I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to change it. I don't know what I can do to manage the madness. I'm tired.

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