Perilous thoughts...

I've been very aware of Wyatt's death lately.  It's more than his absence.  It's his death from this life that pours over me.  In the past 9 months or so, I'd gotten to the point where I was sleeping...but now I have ever increasing bad memories and thoughts that come to my mind and steal my rest.  I remember being a child and being so scared of the dark that I would always have a night light.  Sometimes, I would sit up in bed to the wee hours of the morning staring about the room, terrified that some paranormal being would enter.  To the contrary, I'm not afraid some evil being will enter my home; but the perilous thoughts are the same. The feeling that overwhelms me is total fear.  I become whelmed with an irrational, uncontrollable fear that makes me so very vulnerable, so alone, so afraid. Thoughts of death and dying, thoughts of Wyatt's accident and death, the hospital, the doctors, the prayers, the surgeries, the nurses, the transfusions, the waiting room, the boy that survived, the boy that died ... what happens to their souls, are they happy, are they whole again, are they free from pain and sorrow, do they know joy, do they share happiness, what do they think of us, how do they view our lives?  It goes on...hours of questioning life and death, mystery and conjecture.  Do they look upon us with love and compassion?  I think so, I hope so, I must believe so.  I envision my son as a whole person, his body pure and clean, his skin pink, rosy and healthy, his curly hair, thick and crazy, his big broad shoulders and sturdy build...my handsome son, made whole again. My beautiful boy shining in the light of glory.

So why do these horrible thoughts fill my brain and how do I turn them off?