Two years ago today...

Two years ago today, your life as we knew it ended. Two years ago today, I fell to my knees in light of the horror that my precious child was burned in a horrific explosion. I begged for mercy, pleaded for your life, and crumbled in the fear of your death. I still see you there on that gurney, under those lights, waiting for the airplane to take to you to Shands. The weather so bad, we had to wait for it to pass and take you by fixed wing plane. Your dad and I arrived at Shands before you, waiting for hours in the emergency room for you to arrive. Finally, there, again another little room where they tell you all the things you fear the most. When I saw you again, I wretched and vomited for your body was so desecrated; my beautiful, wonderful, precious child lay there burned, dying and there was nothing I could do to help you, to ease your pain, to comfort you. For twenty one days, you fought that battle my precious son, like the brave warrior that we raised, like the source of your name, Little Warrior. For twenty one days, surgeries, skin grafts, collapsed lungs, failing kidneys, blood transfusions…whatever archaic or futuristic thing could be thought of…you fought. You fought. You fought, but death always wins.

We spent Christmas by your side, Elizabeth made sure you had a tree in your room. There were no gifts to share, no words exchanged, only hope that one day you would again be in our world, whole, able to play and fish and live and love like all good boys should be able to do. We hoped. We prayed. We cried. We begged. We pleaded. But death always wins.

Those people, those wretched, horrible people, who used you without thought for your safety or your welfare, abandoning all regard for law and even for that of basic humanity, for all that is good and right; those people who so selfishly and thoughtlessly took you from this world, I will not be able to forgive them. I cannot forgive them, they took too much from me, too much from us, from this world. Their recklessness, their negligence, their selfishness, their lies and their treatment of the accident and your death with such casualness, for that I shall harbor a hatred in my heart as deep and powerful as my love for you until the day I take my last breath.

My beautiful boy so kind and generous,

My precious child that brought me light and joy and showed me how to live,

My wonderful son who gave me meaning, purpose and hope,

I love you so my beautiful boy, my precious child, my wonderful son.

Comments

Seeing God Where I am

O God, who created all peoples in your image, we thank you for the wonderful diversity of races and cultures in this world. Enrich our lives by ever-widening circles of fellowship, and show us your presence in those who differ most from us, until our knowledge of your love is made perfect in our love for all your children; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Carolyn A. Rose I've had the distinct privilege in life to have traveled to various places, some vastly different from my home, and some quite similar. Regardless of the magnitude of differences, I can always feel the uniqueness of the place. After a while, certainly I long for the familiar comfort of home... but I always return with a fuller heart and a more open mind. Then it's like a siren song calling me back to seek more, ask more, learn more and inwardly digest it to build me into a more understanding and compassionate being. In a class I am taking, we were posed this question: How have ...

I AM

A little step away from my personal grief journey and a turn toward the current times. As of today, over 100,000 humans around the world have died due to the worldwide pandemic of Coronavirus or COVID-19. People are isolated. Borders around the globe have closed. Schools are closed. Airlines are grounded. Massive amounts of food sits rotting unable to be distributed. People are hoarding and supply chains are stressed. Businesses have closed. Governments scramble. Hospitals are maxed. Care centers are incubators of death. Medical personnel are at higher risk than ever yet we demand more and more from them. The bodies of the dead are left to rot on the streets, held in morgues, or turned into mass graves. Funerals and memorials are in abeyance. There is neither time nor place for grieving. Isolation is wicked. Tensions can be high and panic pervasive. Blame begins. Anger festers to hatred. The fragile nature of our ex...

Forward, always forward....

I subscribe to a grief support email. The email this morning was about several steps we should take to help continue progressing through our grief journey. One of the steps was that we must "make a conscious decision each day to move forward." Some things are easier said than done. This grieving process is a daily walk with life, it's not always a beautiful walk lined with birds and flowers and babbling brooks...sometimes we enter the darkness of the heavy woods where light does not penetrate and sound muffles our thoughts into a simmering mush of misery. Thankfully, the light does ultimately peek through the trees and there shines a glimmer of hope that we may again enter life. It's that glimmer that keeps us moving, it's that hope that allows us to get up every day and face living without our child. As in nature, our life is not all sunshine; there are cloudy days and weeks, even seasons, but with every season of sorrow, there is a...

Living with Loss

Search This Blog