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I hate where I am...

Life seems to be an abyss right now, it seems to have swallowed me whole, covered me in a heavy sadness and shrouded my view of the living.  I hate my existence. I hate where I am, who I am, what I do and everything that goes with it. I hate my obligations. I want to run away, turn aside everything that is familiar and known and go toward all that is foreign and new. It is the "where I was" that is so painful to me...it is all I want, to be "where I was" and it is the only thing in this world that I absolutely can not have.  This time and place is so unbearable, it's an indescribable agony.  Day after day, I work so hard to hold back the floodgates and let the world think I'm OK.  I'm not OK.   I look at photographs of my beautiful boy, my wonderful, gorgeous, handsome, kind, generous beautiful boy and I can't stand the thought that he's gone. How can that be?  I can't bring myself out of this bad place anymore, not only that, I don't want to fight it anymore. There is nothing here in this existence that has any meaning for me anymore. 

Loosing a child, there is nothing worse in this life.  Nothing. 

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