Forward, always forward....

I subscribe to a grief support email. The email this morning was about several steps we should take to help continue progressing through our grief journey. One of the steps was that we must "make a conscious decision each day to move forward." Some things are easier said than done. This grieving process is a daily walk with life, it's not always a beautiful walk lined with birds and flowers and babbling brooks...sometimes we enter the darkness of the heavy woods where light does not penetrate and sound muffles our thoughts into a simmering mush of misery. Thankfully, the light does ultimately peek through the trees and there shines a glimmer of hope that we may again enter life. It's that glimmer that keeps us moving, it's that hope that allows us to get up every day and face living without our child. As in nature, our life is not all sunshine; there are cloudy days and weeks, even seasons, but with every season of sorrow, there is a season of rejoicing; one must have the other. It's different now, but there is still both sorrow and rejoicing.

Now my rejoicing is not in the things my son is doing, his accomplishments and achievements. My rejoicing is in the beauty of his being, his life, his soul, all that he shared with me, and all he gave to my life on this earth. I am a better person because of him, I receive more from life because of him and all he taught me. For that gift I will always rejoice and be grateful.

I think it's important that we put effort into moving forward, it's just that it isn't easy; it's downright difficult. As I live this journey I can often feel the clouds roll in and there is nothing I can do to stop them. Later they slowly fade out allowing the sun to peek through once again. I get up every day hoping for a good day, pushing aside the bad and opening the door for hope. The sorrow still sometimes prevails. So be it. I'm entitled, I lost my son. For that, I will cry, I will wail, I will rent my clothes and weep, I will fall to the floor and know there is no comfort in life. I will weep for him, I will weep for me, I will weep for his dad and his grandmothers, I will weep for his friends, I will weep for this world. I will miss him and long for his presence...and then I will know that I feel such pain only because I was blessed with such beauty. My son. My precious son.

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