Skip to main content

Slip Sliding

Yesterday, I took the day off from work.  I needed time to do some things I don't ever get to do, a little time to relax and just be, work in the yard, bake a cake, read a book, run an errand.  Nothing important, other than for my well being. Over the course of this journey so far, I've often heard people ask another if she or he ever felt guilty for enjoying something, for laughing, for having fun and smiling. I never have really, I just thought I was successfully progressing through my grief and growing into the person I am to become. 
 
Oh stupid me.


Yesterday, my husband and I were riding in the truck, laughing and enjoying, truly enjoying each other's company.  I don't think I've felt anything like it since 2009.  I was happy to be spending the day with my husband, laughing with him, just being together. It was after the lighthearted laughter that I felt the cut of shame.  How could I?  How could I laugh and be happy in this world?  What wretched beast laughs in this life after loosing her only child?  I'm a horrible person, nothing better than a cur.


Ironically, I had thought I was doing pretty good with it all.  I could manage to work all day; even do some things when I got home.  But, it's as if the tide has shifted and the darkness is upon me again. It seems now when the wickedness of this death hits me, it hits me hard; viciously, violently, dangerously hard.  It knocks me to the ground and takes away everything. It blankets the light and suffocates any sliver of hope.  Every desire, every thought but of death, every wish and hope, every dream is boarded up and locked away, shrouded in the dark and oppressive weight of grief.


What makes it worse it seems is the beauty of spring and the new horizons that are opening for so many of the children in our lives. College graduations, graduate school, moving away, new jobs, beginning their lives...

 I can't say goodbye. Not yet. Not now. I just can't.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Seeing God Where I am

O God, who created all peoples in your image, we thank you for the wonderful diversity of races and cultures in this world. Enrich our lives by ever-widening circles of fellowship, and show us your presence in those who differ most from us, until our knowledge of your love is made perfect in our love for all your children; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.   Carolyn A. Rose I've had the distinct privilege in life to have traveled to various places, some vastly different from my home, and some quite similar.  Regardless of the magnitude of differences, I can always feel the uniqueness of the place. After a while, certainly I long for the familiar comfort of home... but I always return with a fuller heart and a more open mind. Then it's like a siren song calling me back to seek more, ask more, learn more and inwardly digest it to build me into a more understanding and compassionate being.  In a class I am taking, we were posed this question: How have ...
Post a Comment
Read more

That Dust again...

The death of an only child leaves an indelible mark on the soul. There is a vacant place in living that is never filled, never eased. I know that now; if I live to be 110, it will be true then. When your only child dies it's one thing, when your only child dies before he had children of his own, it's another thing.  I'm not saying any loss of a child is greater than another; on the contrary, they all come with unique challenges. It's just that that when life prances around shouting "look at me, look at me" with the young boy walking around the lake holding his mom's hand, grandma tucking her granddaughter in at night, graduation ceremonies and proms, tournaments, plays and recitals, weddings, new jobs, and babies, they all make it so painfully clear how my time with all of that is over. Stolen. With most things in this life we have a choice, but not this. This is not my choice. This is so different from something we choose, it's not what job to take or...
2 comments
Read more

I AM

A little step away from my personal grief journey and a turn toward the current times.  As of today, over 100,000 humans around the world have died due to the worldwide pandemic of Coronavirus or COVID-19. People are isolated. Borders around the globe have closed. Schools are closed. Airlines are grounded. Massive amounts of food sits rotting unable to be distributed. People are hoarding and supply chains are stressed. Businesses have closed. Governments scramble. Hospitals are maxed.  Care centers are incubators of death.  Medical personnel are at higher risk than ever yet we demand more and more from them.  The bodies of the dead are left to rot on the streets, held in morgues, or turned into mass graves. Funerals and memorials are in abeyance. There is neither time nor place for grieving. Isolation is wicked. Tensions can be high and panic pervasive.    Blame begins. Anger festers to hatred.  The fragile nature of our ex...
Post a Comment
Read more