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Slip Sliding

Yesterday, I took the day off from work.  I needed time to do some things I don't ever get to do, a little time to relax and just be, work in the yard, bake a cake, read a book, run an errand.  Nothing important, other than for my well being. Over the course of this journey so far, I've often heard people ask another if she or he ever felt guilty for enjoying something, for laughing, for having fun and smiling. I never have really, I just thought I was successfully progressing through my grief and growing into the person I am to become. 
 
Oh stupid me.


Yesterday, my husband and I were riding in the truck, laughing and enjoying, truly enjoying each other's company.  I don't think I've felt anything like it since 2009.  I was happy to be spending the day with my husband, laughing with him, just being together. It was after the lighthearted laughter that I felt the cut of shame.  How could I?  How could I laugh and be happy in this world?  What wretched beast laughs in this life after loosing her only child?  I'm a horrible person, nothing better than a cur.


Ironically, I had thought I was doing pretty good with it all.  I could manage to work all day; even do some things when I got home.  But, it's as if the tide has shifted and the darkness is upon me again. It seems now when the wickedness of this death hits me, it hits me hard; viciously, violently, dangerously hard.  It knocks me to the ground and takes away everything. It blankets the light and suffocates any sliver of hope.  Every desire, every thought but of death, every wish and hope, every dream is boarded up and locked away, shrouded in the dark and oppressive weight of grief.


What makes it worse it seems is the beauty of spring and the new horizons that are opening for so many of the children in our lives. College graduations, graduate school, moving away, new jobs, beginning their lives...

 I can't say goodbye. Not yet. Not now. I just can't.

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