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I call it Jello...

I've been a bit melancholy lately, so many thoughts run through my head....I don't even put them into words, I don't know if I could put them into words of any comprehensible manner. They are so fast and vicious, they overcome me and I begin to act as if the people around me know what I'm thinking, as if I've expressed my inner thoughts to them...of course I've not uttered a word. I feel like jello...nice solid outside but the minute its stuck with anything you realize it's just mush. It's as if time has allowed me to realize and understand things that it wouldn't allow me to do before now. So many things that while in the midst of being at Shands I could not comprehend have been illuminated to me now. It hurts to know the things that I was sheltered from before...it hurts to know those things that a parent would never want to know. For example, I've realized now that the "skin" on Wyat's arms was not him, it was not him at all, it was cadaver skin....Yes, I knew that at Shands, they told us...but now I realize how much of his body was burned and how absolutely horrific this whole ordeal was and oh God it hurts me to know what my beautiful, thoughtful, brave, intelligent, talented, handsome, wonderful son had to endure.  It's really too much for me to wrap my brain around...so I block it out.  I think any person who wishes to be sane and stay in the world of the living would too.  I hate that I have to push back the pain and horror of it all;  I hate that I can't just live my life as I had planned.  I hate that I can't see my son grow to adulthood.  I hate that I am in this place and can't change it, poweless to the events that run my existence. I don't want to control everything...I just want my son in my life.

To see the future in the faces of the children is so painful.

To see life in their eyes dancing with the joy of what lies before them....

Hope, future, learning, experiences, challenges, family, friends, life...

Life to live, hope to cherish, family and friends to love and the joy and challenge of becoming who they are to become...

Stolen from him, stolen from me, stolen from us, why?  I don't understand why.

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