Why?

We often ask why. Why did my child die; what did I do to cause this to happen?  I learned this rather early on in my grief journey, I asked myself why a hundred million times. What did I do in this life to deserve such a thing?  What did I do that was so bad as to endure the pain of loosing a child?  What did I do? Why me, why Wyatt, why us, why our family, why?

It took a while, but I learned that I didn't do anything. It's not my fault, as much as I want to take the blame, it's not mine to own. Some of us want an answer to why and some of us will search for years for the why;  others, like myself, accept there is no why and I will never, in this life, know why.  I can simply accept the fact that it happened and there is no answer to why.

Is that always easy....no, but I suppose it gets easier with time.  Time is not the ultimate healer, it does not heal this pain, there is no healing from this pain.  A friend said that time only gives us the ability to handle the pain, I think that is true.  We acclimate to the infernal presence of loss and grief...it becomes us, consumes us, infiltrates our being to personify our very being. I am pain.  I am loss.  I am grief.  I am alone.  I am afraid.  I am sad.  I am lonely.  I am without my child...without my future...without my hope...and I will never know why.