Living with Loss

Bereaved parents often ask: Why . Why did my child die? What did I do to cause this to happen?   I experienced this phenomena rather early on in my grief journey as I asked myself w hy  one hundred million times - why - why - why. Maybe that was because of the nature of Wyatt's accident and death, maybe it's just because my child died and that is an out of order life event. The questions circle through my mind like a cyclone, what did I do in this life to deserve such a thing?  What did I do in this life that was so horrific it caused my son to die? What did I do? Why me, why Wyatt, why us, why our family, why, why , why? Eventually, I learned that I didn't really do anything. It's not my fault, as much as I want to take the blame, it's not mine to own. I still battle this blaming beast of why , but reason eventually comes to mind, even if after a long bout of crying and screaming. Some folks want the answer to why and will search for years see...

So, of all these therapist I've seen in the past two years, the words of one keep resonating in my mind. "You need pasture."  Mind you, this is the same therapist whose practice specializes in "dysfunctional" families. I sat in my car reading his business card, not having scrutinized it before, and was quite offended by the inference that I was somehow dysfunctional. We were not a dysfunctional family...having been married over 22 years, our 20 year old son still lived at home with us, he respected us, enjoyed our company, ate dinner at the table every night, said "I love you."  We were not dysfunctional!  Then it hit me...that is not who I am anymore. That was then and then is no longer now. I'm as dysfunctional as it gets, my only child was burned, we watched him fight for life until he could fight no more, we prayed for healing and we watched him die, we sang to him as he lay dead in the hospital bed, we sat in a house of worship and remembered ...

"Your are all together beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you."                                                           ~ Song of Solomon 4:9

Thousands of stars shine in the sky and I know you are here. Thousands of stars bring light to this world and I know you are here. Thousands of stars twinkle and blink shouting, look up here, look up here...                                   I am here, I am here....see me, I am here!    ....and I know you are here.                                                               

Two years ago today, your life as we knew it ended. Two years ago today, I fell to my knees in light of the horror that my precious child was burned in a horrific explosion. I begged for mercy, pleaded for your life, and crumbled in the fear of your death. I still see you there on that gurney, under those lights, waiting for the airplane to take to you to Shands. The weather so bad, we had to wait for it to pass and take you by fixed wing plane. Your dad and I arrived at Shands before you, waiting for hours in the emergency room for you to arrive.   Finally, there, again another little room where they tell you all the things you fear the most.   When I saw you again, I wretched and vomited for your body was so desecrated; my beautiful, wonderful, precious child lay there burned, dying and there was nothing I could do to help you, to ease your pain, to comfort you.   For twenty one days, you fought that battle my precious son, like the brave warrior that we raised, li...

We're getting ready to take a wonderful trip and I've been so excited about it.  It's our escape from the holiday of Thanksgiving.  I just can't bring myself to do Thanksgiving the same way as we did before. It was our favorite holiday...visiting with family, filling our bellies with culinary delights, sitting by the fire, chatting about life.  It was the best of times and we loved it. So, now we run away from that beautiful memory of our past existence, hoping that life will stop being so painful. I bought a beautiful new dress and have been so excited about wearing it to one of the fabulous Vegas shows. I began packing and getting things together, then suddenly, it hit me. The tears began to rage. My chest began to tighten and finally the dam opened. Always like a fist to the chest, it knocks me down and I can do nothing but cry and hurt, and know there is no balm for this sorrow. I felt so ashamed, so selfish, for in that moment, I realized t...

So I took a walk this evening and it didn't take long before I began to notice the things around me.  I could feel the warm air on my skin and yet the heat of the day had subsided. As I walked past our neighbor's house, I was drawn to a pine cone sitting on the edge of their yard.  I picked it up and began to examine it... intricate layers, precise and predictable, becoming less organized and polished as it became larger and the tip bent and scraped by the ravages of time and nature. Then the pecan that lay in the gutter crushed by the passing cars, the dry fallen leaves on the sidewalk twisted and crumpled. The delicate balance of our own existence mirrored in the substance of nature. We believe nature to be so powerful, so resilient, just like we think our lives and our bodies are....but truly nature is fragile, mercurial and unpredictable, just like our lives. We expect to experience pattern and course to nature...winter, sp...