Living with Loss

People have amassed shrines for years.   In Prague there is a wall dedicated to John Lennon; flowers and photos adorn the gates of Princess Diana’s home in London; an eternal flame shines for the unknown soldier; Shinto shrines celebrate wind, rain, mountains, trees and rivers; we bury our dead and mark the grave with a headstone….we want a marker of those things valuable and important to us.   That is how we feel about our dead children; we don’t want our children to be forgotten, we must remember them, others must remember them.   My son's boots are my shrine to him.   His boots are the only thing left from his accident.   They sit there, worn but whole, and I see him, I think of him, I remember him, I love him.   His boots do that for me….they create an instant recall of him, his person, his character, his life. Don’t tell me to put the boots away, don’t tell me that is it unhealthy to hold on to things that recall his memory…it is...

Today’s Most Dangerous Jobs : The Work Buzz http://www.theworkbuzz.com/news/most-dangerous-jobs People assume something as benign as a maintenance worker would not be a potentially fatal job, but as these records indicate there has been an increase in fatalities associated to maintenance workers. Can we attribute that to the fact that employers expect maintenance workers to do far more than their job description truly requires, to their gross lack of oversight and adherence to safety measures and the complete lack of substantial penalties issued by governmental oversight agencies when accidents and fatalities occur. In fact, governmental agencies such as OSHA are restricted to reviewing only the violation reported to them…effectively, if they notice or observe potential deadly safety violations while conducting an investigation, they can do absolutely nothing about it. When you add youth into the equation, and often youthful workers have the most dangerous jobs, the statistics c...

At the rising of the sun and at its going down, We remember them. At the blowing of the wind and the chill of winter, we remember them. At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring, we remember them. At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer, we remember them. At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn, we remember them. At the beginning of the year and when it ends, we remember them. As long as we live, they too will live; for they are now a part of us, we remember them. When we are weary and in need of strength, we remember them. When we are lost and sick at heart, we remember them. When we have joy we crave to share, we remember them. When we have decisions that are difficult to make, we remember them. When we have achievements that are based on theirs, we remember them. As long as we live, they too will live; for they are now a part of us, as we remember them. ~  from The Gates of Prayer    ...

There is a vast void in my heart right now; just emptiness.  I can't seem to collect my thoughts or make sense of much of anything.  I don't have any desires, no wishes, no hopes, just a body devoid of life.  It's like when you open the refrigerator and it's full of food and there is nothing in there you want to eat, so you shut the door and walk away yearning for something to satiate your hunger.  I'm hungry and I know there is plenty of food out there to ease my hunger, but I don't want any of it. Yes, at times I can laugh and smile at things in life and I believe it is essential to embrace this life for what it is....embrace those you love, laugh with those who entertain you, cry with those who need comfort, and dance with those who celebrate. It hurts to embrace it, but it also comforts, it is the ultimate paradox.  I receive comfort from helping others who are experiencing pain or grief, there is something palatable about being able to empathyze...

I slept today, not beause I was overly tired, but just because it was what I needed to do, it was all I could do.  I know that is challenging for some to understand, but sometimes, breathing is all I can do... living is impossible.  I've experienced so many emotions in the last few days, it's difficult to describe it all.  I want so badly to be a part of life, to live, to experience it all; then, it hits me that he's not here, that my child is gone, dead . That's a rather daunting thought.  Frankly, I don't quite know how to deal with it.  I want to embrace this world, this life, this experience that I'm having; but then, really, I don't, I don't want this life, this experience...I want what I worked for, what I longed for, what I hoped for, what I wanted, I want to be Wyatt's mom. Not somebody else's mom...I want to be Wyatt's mom, now, here, in this place and time.  I want to hug him, hold him in my arms, tell him how much I love him, how...

First, I'll tell you I've spared some of the detail on this post...it really does not show the extent of my anger..but just to give you a little idea...I'm angry... I’m angry that I can’t hold my son in my arms and tell him how wonderful he is… I’m angry that I will never have a child in my life, I will never be grandma, I’ll live in this place as just a piece of time, expired when I take my last breath…so what, she was here.   Not….did you know she was Wyatt’s mom, he’s such a wonderful young man, look at everything he’s done, I know she was very proud of him.   No, not me, I’m just an empty, barren, vacant piece time on this wretched planet. I am so angry, so full of rage, frustration and hatred, if my heart could just explode and release the fury it would be such a relief.   I am so angry at this place, this time, this life.   I am furious that I am here, in this time, this situation; I don’t want to be here.   I hate where I am in this life, I hate this lif...