Skip to main content

Here and now....

I slept today, not beause I was overly tired, but just because it was what I needed to do, it was all I could do.  I know that is challenging for some to understand, but sometimes, breathing is all I can do...living is impossible.  I've experienced so many emotions in the last few days, it's difficult to describe it all.  I want so badly to be a part of life, to live, to experience it all; then, it hits me that he's not here, that my child is gone, dead. That's a rather daunting thought.  Frankly, I don't quite know how to deal with it.  I want to embrace this world, this life, this experience that I'm having; but then, really, I don't, I don't want this life, this experience...I want what I worked for, what I longed for, what I hoped for, what I wanted, I want to be Wyatt's mom. Not somebody else's mom...I want to be Wyatt's mom, now, here, in this place and time.  I want to hug him, hold him in my arms, tell him how much I love him, how incredible he is and be there to support him in whatever he wants to do....I want him here in this place -with me.  To miss him is too painful for me, too much to bear, really, it's too much when you think about the magnitude of it all, what his absence means in our lives, to our lives, for us, he's everything we've ever wanted....and he's gone.

Wyatt is why I was put here in this world, and he is not here in this world...and I can't quite figure it all out.  I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm full of excess energy, I'm drained of everything...I HATE this with every breath I take.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Seeing God Where I am

O God, who created all peoples in your image, we thank you for the wonderful diversity of races and cultures in this world. Enrich our lives by ever-widening circles of fellowship, and show us your presence in those who differ most from us, until our knowledge of your love is made perfect in our love for all your children; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.   Carolyn A. Rose I've had the distinct privilege in life to have traveled to various places, some vastly different from my home, and some quite similar.  Regardless of the magnitude of differences, I can always feel the uniqueness of the place. After a while, certainly I long for the familiar comfort of home... but I always return with a fuller heart and a more open mind. Then it's like a siren song calling me back to seek more, ask more, learn more and inwardly digest it to build me into a more understanding and compassionate being.  In a class I am taking, we were posed this question: How have ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Blessings

  Wyatt It's been over ten years since we said our final goodbye to the human form of our son. Following his death we created a nonprofit organization to help support the Wyatt Lambeth Legacy Welding Scholarship at Lively Technical College. Through this foundation, we granted $500  scholarships to 38 students in the Lively Welding Program and distributed multiple  grinders and Georgia boots.  The scholarships have been a healing salve and each donor, each recipient, and each person who applied for a scholarship was and is a valuable part of our grief journey. Selecting recipients was challenging and we always wished we could give more, could help more. Ultimately, the gift is knowing we do what we can and each person who received a scholarship, a grinder, or a new pair of boots, was one step closer to the future he or she set in motion.  In our hearts we are confident Wyatt would be pleased to help his fellow students in this way.  While we have dissolved t...
Post a Comment
Read more

I AM

A little step away from my personal grief journey and a turn toward the current times.  As of today, over 100,000 humans around the world have died due to the worldwide pandemic of Coronavirus or COVID-19. People are isolated. Borders around the globe have closed. Schools are closed. Airlines are grounded. Massive amounts of food sits rotting unable to be distributed. People are hoarding and supply chains are stressed. Businesses have closed. Governments scramble. Hospitals are maxed.  Care centers are incubators of death.  Medical personnel are at higher risk than ever yet we demand more and more from them.  The bodies of the dead are left to rot on the streets, held in morgues, or turned into mass graves. Funerals and memorials are in abeyance. There is neither time nor place for grieving. Isolation is wicked. Tensions can be high and panic pervasive.    Blame begins. Anger festers to hatred.  The fragile nature of our ex...
Post a Comment
Read more