Skip to main content

Here and now....

I slept today, not beause I was overly tired, but just because it was what I needed to do, it was all I could do.  I know that is challenging for some to understand, but sometimes, breathing is all I can do...living is impossible.  I've experienced so many emotions in the last few days, it's difficult to describe it all.  I want so badly to be a part of life, to live, to experience it all; then, it hits me that he's not here, that my child is gone, dead. That's a rather daunting thought.  Frankly, I don't quite know how to deal with it.  I want to embrace this world, this life, this experience that I'm having; but then, really, I don't, I don't want this life, this experience...I want what I worked for, what I longed for, what I hoped for, what I wanted, I want to be Wyatt's mom. Not somebody else's mom...I want to be Wyatt's mom, now, here, in this place and time.  I want to hug him, hold him in my arms, tell him how much I love him, how incredible he is and be there to support him in whatever he wants to do....I want him here in this place -with me.  To miss him is too painful for me, too much to bear, really, it's too much when you think about the magnitude of it all, what his absence means in our lives, to our lives, for us, he's everything we've ever wanted....and he's gone.

Wyatt is why I was put here in this world, and he is not here in this world...and I can't quite figure it all out.  I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm full of excess energy, I'm drained of everything...I HATE this with every breath I take.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Shrines

People have amassed shrines for years.   In Prague there is a wall dedicated to John Lennon; flowers and photos adorn the gates of Princess Diana’s home in London; an eternal flame shines for the unknown soldier; Shinto shrines celebrate wind, rain, mountains, trees and rivers; we bury our dead and mark the grave with a headstone….we want a marker of those things valuable and important to us.   That is how we feel about our dead children; we don’t want our children to be forgotten, we must remember them, others must remember them.   My son's boots are my shrine to him.   His boots are the only thing left from his accident.   They sit there, worn but whole, and I see him, I think of him, I remember him, I love him.   His boots do that for me….they create an instant recall of him, his person, his character, his life. Don’t tell me to put the boots away, don’t tell me that is it unhealthy to hold on to things that recall his memory…it is...
Post a Comment
Read more

Hunger

There is a vast void in my heart right now; just emptiness.  I can't seem to collect my thoughts or make sense of much of anything.  I don't have any desires, no wishes, no hopes, just a body devoid of life.  It's like when you open the refrigerator and it's full of food and there is nothing in there you want to eat, so you shut the door and walk away yearning for something to satiate your hunger.  I'm hungry and I know there is plenty of food out there to ease my hunger, but I don't want any of it. Yes, at times I can laugh and smile at things in life and I believe it is essential to embrace this life for what it is....embrace those you love, laugh with those who entertain you, cry with those who need comfort, and dance with those who celebrate. It hurts to embrace it, but it also comforts, it is the ultimate paradox.  I receive comfort from helping others who are experiencing pain or grief, there is something palatable about being able to empathyze...
Post a Comment
Read more

Looking at New Grief

  I looked new grief in the face today. I hurt. I saw the pain, the hopelessness, the deep sorrow of grieving a child. His eyes were tired, and then he laid his head down on the mailbox that stood between us, my neighbor and me. The fatigue of grieving covered his face and his body was bent with the heaviness of it all. This is his second loss, the twin to the son he lost thirty years ago. This one comes with trapping and thoughts unlike the first. It’s hit him hard. There are no more children, his wife is dead. He’s alone. He’s lonely. He’s sad. I ache for him. I want to make it all better for him, but I know I can’t, this is his journey. He says I’m strong. He sees me breathing, walking, he believes me to be strong. I share that my times of wailing and crying are done in private, and it hurts so badly to open your heart and allow the sorrow to be, to know the absence, to acknowledge the death, to understand all that was lost and to have it seared into the soul and vanq...
Post a Comment
Read more