Here and now....

I slept today, not beause I was overly tired, but just because it was what I needed to do, it was all I could do.  I know that is challenging for some to understand, but sometimes, breathing is all I can do...living is impossible.  I've experienced so many emotions in the last few days, it's difficult to describe it all.  I want so badly to be a part of life, to live, to experience it all; then, it hits me that he's not here, that my child is gone, dead. That's a rather daunting thought.  Frankly, I don't quite know how to deal with it.  I want to embrace this world, this life, this experience that I'm having; but then, really, I don't, I don't want this life, this experience...I want what I worked for, what I longed for, what I hoped for, what I wanted, I want to be Wyatt's mom. Not somebody else's mom...I want to be Wyatt's mom, now, here, in this place and time.  I want to hug him, hold him in my arms, tell him how much I love him, how incredible he is and be there to support him in whatever he wants to do....I want him here in this place -with me.  To miss him is too painful for me, too much to bear, really, it's too much when you think about the magnitude of it all, what his absence means in our lives, to our lives, for us, he's everything we've ever wanted....and he's gone.

Wyatt is why I was put here in this world, and he is not here in this world...and I can't quite figure it all out.  I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm full of excess energy, I'm drained of everything...I HATE this with every breath I take.